Need Help Getting Former Boyfriend to Move Out

Dear Amy:  I am in my mid-fifties and have been living with a man who is ten years younger than me for the past six years.  We fell hard and fast for each other and moved in together nine months after we starting dating.  I had been divorced for five years, he had been divorced for one.  I know it was too soon but we seemed so good together.  Then the issues started.

He lost his job through a corporate downsizing, his kids had problems and wanted to live with us.  We worked through all of this.  But as time went on, life together became less about us and more about dealing with his issues.  Our sex life began to dwindle to, eventually in the last year, having no sex at all.

A few months ago we had a frank discussion and both of us acknowledged we were no longer the great love of each other’s life.  But we are still fond of each other and good friends.  I agreed that we would continue to live together until he was financially able to make it on his own.  So, he continues to live in my house and sleep in my bed.

We get along fine and treat each other very well. But he is showing no inclination to move on with his life which makes it difficult for me to do the same.

Amy, I realize I have a co-dependency issue of my own that has allowed this to go on.  Part of me enjoys having him here and I would like us to remain friends.  It isn’t that he has taken advantage of me - he has always paid me a reasonable monthly allotment.  This is more about us being only friends who live as roommates who sleep in the same bed.

I know I will have to confront him but he is very introverted and usually says little or nothing when I attempt to engage him in a serious conversation.  I would like this to end with us remaining friends but, frankly, I just want him to move out. Outside of saying, “Hit the road” what do I do?

Dear Reader:  Your dilemma is common for many women.  Women are scripted and rewarded to be cute, demur and caretakers. Men are scripted and rewarded for being heroes. Neither works well. When men are unable to measure up to the hero role they become like Peter Pan, they want someone to take care of them.   

While you know you are co-dependent, he does not have a clue as to what motivates his behavior or the feelings that follow, which are quickly submerged or projected.

The only way to solve this dilemma is for you to stiffen your backbone and set a boundary.  You need to say in a firm tone. ”I have decided to move on with my life without you.  You have three weeks to find a place to live and have your things moved.”  It is NOT a discussion nor an opportunity for you to ‘beg’ him to step up and be a full fledged partner. 

He might give you reasons why three weeks is not enough time.  DO NOT buy into the excuses and illogical rationalizations.  BE firm. If you budge an inch he will take a mile.  Even if you think you are being cruel and unreasonable STAND your ground. 

At the end of two weeks, ask him if he will be moved on the designated date.  If he says NO.  In a firm voice remind him that the designated date is absolute.  DO NOT offer to extend the date.  Next, call a locksmith and get an appointment to have the locks changed on the designated day. 

Once the locks are changed call him and tell him that the locks have been changed. Advise him, he will need to set an appointment (at your convenience) to move his things. 

One last important step. You need to have someone (preferably male) with you when he comes to get his things.  Why? Because anger can flash in an instant and you could be the target. Many introverted men abuse/kill women, when the anger hits. Do not leave yourself vulnerable.
  
Last, but not least, once he has moved seek professional help to resolve your co-dependent issues.  

I wish you well.  

Amy