Addictions Soothe Self and Numb Emotional Pain; Not Conducive to Healthy Relationships

Dear Amy:  I am in a relationship with a man who has been separated from his wife for many years (more than 5).  They have an 11-year-old son and his son means the world to him.

Before we got together, he was living with a girlfriend for about 5 years.  At some point 3 years ago, he was spending his time with both of them - one in New York and one in Pennsylvania.  The relationships were domestic, as well as sexual.

We met up in August 2004.  He got rid of the girlfriend in about July of 2005.  He gave her $1,000 to move out of his house, but they have continued speaking on and off since then.  He dosen’t tell me that she calls and  I only found out because I snoop.

I have begged him not to call her and said I consider it cheating.  He and I have had our share of problems, but we made a vow in Jan 2008 to start over; however, he began speaking to his ex-girlfriend again in early February.  He tells me the reason he calls her is because he was trying to get back the $1,000 that he lent her, but he told me previously that he considered that money gone…sort of a payoff for her to move out.

I am so furious, but I am a sucker and I still have a mushy heart for him.  I need your brutal honesty.

Before you judge him, I have to tell you that I have had episodes with a chemical substance.  Sometimes I partake every few months and he dosen’t approve.  I have lied about it in the past because I was embarrassed to tell him.  I have it under control and go to therapy once a week.

He is trying to justify that getting high is the same thing as calling his ex-girlfriend.  He says deceit is deceit.  I don’t agree.  I feel he cheated.

My therapist says to leave him, find someone new because I don’t deserve this.  I know you don’t know me, but maybe an outside opinion will help shed some light on the situation for me.

Dear Reader:  Your story is unfortunately very common.  Your addiction is no different than your boyfriend’s addiction.  He is addicted to using women to soothe himself and numb his emotional pain.  You used drugs to soothe yourself and numb your emotional pain.  Neither of you will be able to have a healthy relationship unless your respective emotional wounds are healed.

Traditional psychologist, psychiatric and medical practices treat symptoms—depression, panic attacks, anxiety, eating disorders, MS, lupus, cancer, Parkinson’s disease, etc. and ignore the core issue—what you experienced. Traditional psychologist, psychiatric and talk therapy does not focus on uncovering the core issue that prompted you to have the emotional pain you are in. Nor does traditional psychiatric and talk therapy focus on healing the emotional wound or the trauma trapped in muscles and tissue. Traditional psychiatric and talk therapy focuses on creating better coping mechanisms.

Coping through life is not living life. Living life means one is free to accomplish their heart’s desires—without experiencing fears, doubts, anxiety, panic or struggles with low self-esteem or feelings of inadequacy.

In order to heal completely in mind, body, and spirit, a multifaceted healing process specifically focused on verbal, physical and/or sexual abuse recovery and diligent work is the most effective; wherein the survivor can replenish their emotional and spiritual identity and empowerment.

While I agree with your therapist that you need to “…leave him, find someone new because I don’t deserve this..” but without healing at the deepest level, you will gravitate to the same type guy—different face.  You are like a moth drawn to the flame, until your emotional wounds are healed.

I wish you well.

Amy