Boyfriend Hasn’t Broken Ties with Former Wife

Dear Amy:

I have been dating someone for four months; my first boyfriend in 6 years.  He has been divorced for 7 years but sees his ex everyday, naps at her house, takes her shopping, to the dog park and out for meals.  She has a nickname for me which he has not asked her to stop using.  They are on the same phone plan and he lavishly buys her presents.  He is also trying to reconnect with a girlfriend that tried to commit suicide over his dating me by taking her out to lunch and buying her Christmas presents. 

He says he loves women and is always commenting on their physical features and making lewd remarks. 

Three weeks after we met, he said that he wanted to marry me and bought a ring during Christmas which I made him return, telling him that I will let him know when I am ready to be engaged. 

His neediness is a red flag for me along with his contact with other women.  I want to speak to him about these issues but do not want to come off as possessive or demanding. 

Am I on the wrong track and a wimp?  I am starting to feel that I need to assert my needs more but do not know if his contact with his ex is normal.

Dear Reader: 

Your question–“Am I on the wrong track and a wimp?”–is a good question to ask.  The answer is yes. Although, your BF says he has been divorced for 7 years, he is still emotionally married to his former wife and chooses to spend time and money to keep her involved with him. Apparently, he does not need to do anything to keep you, except show up on occasion. Not to mention he is earnestly working to track down a former GF. Furthermore, you allow yourself to be disrespected by his lewd remarks.  This alone is reason enough to stop being with him or talking to him.

He has no emotional room for another relationship. And he demonstrates over and over that his former wife and former GF is more important to him than you. Therein, lies the reason you are on the wrong track. 

The fact you told him you were not willing to accept his proposal after only three weeks demonstrates you were on the right track. But something prevented you from staying on track, and you continue to accept a few moments of his time —that you call a relationship.  Therein lies the fact, you became a wimp.

Speaking to him about his neediness, along with his contact with other women is a waste of your precious time. He will not ‘listen up and change.’ And why should he when two other women are willing to accept a partial relationship with him.  You need to gather your backbone off the floor and stand up for yourself. Do not allow yourself to be his mistress any longer. Tell him, “Do NOT come to my home  - DO not call me.”

I wish you well.

Amy