Debunking Myths - It’s Best to Just Keep your Mouth Shut

Myth:  People in relationships sometimes keep their problems to themselves because they think that bringing them up will only make things worse.  They worry that starting a conflict will make the other person angry and get them into a fight.  They think that just keeping their mouth shut about it will be the best way to preserve the relationship and keep the peace.

Fact: Conflict is a natural part of all relationships - even healthy, happy, mature, intimate relationships.  Hiding or suppressing concerns does not make a relationship better.  In fact, it makes it worse.

When someone that you care about does something that makes you uncomfortable or upset, you owe it to yourself and to the other person to find a tactful, loving way to bring it up so you can work out your difficulty.  Having these sorts of candid discussions actually enhances the relationship by allowing you to solve problems together, reach compromises, and build trust.

The key here is to how you express your concerns.  Calling your husband an insensitive monster is not a tactful way to let him know you’re upset.  Telling your wife she better shape up or ship out is not a loving way to express your displeasure.  THAT kind of behavior does make the relationship worse.  That’s not what we’re talking about when we talk about expressing conflict here.  We are specifically talking about finding tactful, loving ways to share your feelings.

On the other hand, when you are in a relationship with someone who is not interested in how you feel - someone who is not going to respond maturely when you express your concerns - it would be best to find that out now, rather than to devote more time and effort to a relationship that will ultimately need to come to an end anyhow.  Staying in that kind of relationship makes it worse for everyone.

Marlo Archer, Ph.D.
Down to Earth Enterprises
1250 E. Baseline Rd., Suite 102
Tempe, AZ 85283
(480) 705-5007