Overheard at a Coffee Shop

I want to start by stating I was not intentionally eaves dropping… at least not at first. After all, I was already seated when two guys sat down beside and a little behind me. It was difficult not to hear them. I tried at first, but then their conversation became too interesting to ignore and I secretly wished I had my digital recorder with me. I wasn’t expecting to get an idea for a blog nor was I looking for one; I was just enjoying a cup of coffee on a Sunday afternoon.

It was his tone that caught my attention. The “I am more important than you” way he communicated – or should say, the way he expected to be heard. He’s mid to late thirties, casually well dressed, just like his counterpart in this story. What I didn’t notice until later was the Blue Tooth positioned in his ear. I’ll admit, I think these things look like something out of Star Trek. I completely buy into the concept of wireless communication for efficiency (multi tasking) and safety (driving); but when you are in a meeting with someone – take the darn thing off. It’s too easy to send the message ‘that an incoming call is more important than you…’ and I bet I’m not the only one who feels this way. And, I’d bet, that is exactly the message this guy wanted to send.

Anyway, back to the tone. I’ll recreate their conversation as closely as I can. What perked my ears up from the Blue Tooth dude (we’ll just ID him as BT from now on) was this:

BT:  “Do you have any idea how much money I make?”

Wow, what a statement! It happens I heard nearly those same words from a person that I worked with over twenty years ago. He would pay for a pack of gum with a $50 dollar bill, just to flash. He destroyed his organization over several years and still, somehow managed to make tons of cash. Last I heard, he tried to justify his behaviors with the whole “money and power” theme and it didn’t work out too well for him. Word has it, he used a similar line on his soon-to-be-ex wife and her response was, “yes I do know… and I’m taking half of it!” Good for her!

Pardon the flashback; I just wanted you to understand the back-story so you can appreciate how my ears perked up with that particular sentence.

Now for the other guy. Calm cool and confident, he seemed like a cat just playing with a mouse. His response is what hooked me into purposely acting as if I wasn’t listening while trying to remember every word. We’ll call him depth guy DG – because he was not flash, he displayed depth of character – or at least confidence. He seemed to have a strong rather than a big ego.

DG:  “I really don’t know how much you make… what I do know right now, is that your ego is huge and very fragile. Tell me, how do you manage that on a daily basis?”

WOW! If I were observing a wresting match, that would’ve been a reverse. Now I was hooked.

BT:  “Your right I have a big ego – that’s because of the money I make. And if you want to make that kind of money, you need to get a big ego too. And, by the way, my ego is not fragile – you don’t know what your talking about.” He was starting to get irritated. By now, I really wished I were sitting in a place where I could watch the body language because I could imagine BT leaning into DG and DG just sitting back; relaxed, confident and completely unimpressed.

DG:  “Interesting. Now your getting angry. Here’s why I think your ego is fragile. You’re whole identity seems to be tied up in your bank account, and it’s probably a big bank account…”

BT:  “you’re damn right it is…”

DG:  “yeah, it’s big alright. And if a disaster wiped out your money - your ego, your identity, your confidence all goes down the tubes with it. If I’m going to work with you, I need to know your core character. Right now you’re getting pissed off. So what is it that I’m saying that scares you so much?”

At this point BT guy muttered something about the meeting is over and how there is no way he’d be willing to work with an amateur psychologist who doesn’t know what he’s talking about. It’s when he got up to storm out of the coffee shop that I noticed his angry countenance, and his Blue Tooth.

DG, in the meantime just sat comfortably in his chair sipping his coffee. By now I couldn’t hold back so I turned and said to DG, “Nicely done… I don’t normally eaves drop on other’s conversations, but yours was right in my ear and I just wanted to compliment you on how you handled that.”

DG smiled and told me that BT was trying to sell him on a business opportunity, and out of courtesy he agreed to meet for coffee. Then he added, “I always test for people’s motivation before I consider doing anything with them.” We continued to have a couple minutes of pleasant conversation until he excused himself so he could go home and spend this newfound time with his wife and kids.

I thought, “This guy has his priorities right.” He seems to have it together too as he drove off in a late model Mercedes. I suppose his bank account is large – and his ego, healthy.

The interesting thing about money is that some people let it define them. Now, making money is a good thing but the love of money is not. If a person’s self-worth or self-image is so strongly connected to their bank account, what happens if the money runs low? What happens if it gets huge?

Who you are is much more than what you earn and how much you have invested. If your identity is so connected to your wallet, other people notice it right away. DG had the courage and self-confidence to challenge BT on it. And when BT’s frailties were exposed, it hurt and he responded in anger. Many times anger is a reaction based in fear… but that’s a discussion for another day.

For now, think about spending as much time developing your core sense of self in 2008 as you spend earning money. I wonder what the world will look like if more of us do that? Like John Lennon said when you are gone “…you don’t take nothing with you but your soul.”

Here’s to wishing you a prosperous, healthy new year of achievement and self-discovery.