Debunking Myths - Loving Mothers Never Get Angry at Their Children

Myth:  We are somewhat socialized to believe that mothers should be gentle, patient, kind, nurturing, generous, flawless individuals, who love their children above everything else in the world and who would never harm their children in any way or think or say an unkind word about their children.  That sometimes leads mothers to believe that they should never get angry at their children or lose their patience or their cool and that if they do, they are horrible monsters who are undeserving of the sacred gift of children.

Fact: A mother who never gets angry or irritable, who never raises her voice, who never ever ever speaks an unkind word is in a coma.  The rest of the mothers on the planet are human and will occasionally experience human weaknesses.  Now, this is in no way an encouragement to scream at your kids or to get out the wooden spoon and start dishing out street justice in the kitchen.  Clearly, too much is too much.  However, to have the expectation that you’re never ever ever going to slip up is simply too high of an expectation and will leave mothers in a constant state of despair and failure and that’s not any more healthy for the children than beating them is.

Moms need to show their kids how to be humans.  Good humans, but humans, nonetheless.  Moms can show kids what it’s like to lose your cool, recognize that you’ve temporarily lost your cool, collect yourself, heal yourself, then apologize and start over on a better foot.  Moms can show kids what it’s like to have a particularly bad day, reach a breaking point, cry, rest, reorient oneself to the ongoing situation, and bravely begin again.  Moms can demonstrate, for their children, what’s it’s like to say something horrible that you can never take back, sit with the pain and guilt of one’s own behavior, then offer a sincere, genuine apology to the injured party, and wait patiently while the trust is rebuilt and be calm and dignified until forgiveness is offered.

Those are important skills your child will need as an adult and they won’t know how to do those things unless they’ve seen them demonstrated.  So, when you mess up a little bit, don’t immediately go to guilt, shame, and self-punishment.  Recognize that your actions are human and are a great teaching opportunity for your children, and show them how to un-do goof-ups.

Marlo Archer, Ph.D.
Down to Earth Enterprises
1250 E. Baseline Rd., Suite 102
Tempe, AZ 85283
(480) 705-5007