Debunking Myths - Why Do I Have To Do All the Work?

Myth:  It is fairly typical for a client, during his or her first session, to describe the problem situation in terms of what someone else is doing to make their life miserable.  Wives complain about what husbands are doing, Dads complain about what kids are doing, employees complain about what their employers are doing, and kids complain about what their teachers are doing.  Everyone wants to talk about what someone else is doing.  That is fine for describing the problem, but when it comes to solutions, I can only give suggestions for what the client can do differently.  Clients frequently get upset and wonder why THEY have to do all the work when it’s the OTHER PERSON who is creating the problem.

Fact: Well, the fact of the matter is that if someone else is causing the problem, you don’t have to do anything to fix it, but if you’re unhappy and they’re not, they’re certainly not going to be looking to change anything and you’re going to have to if you want to be happy.  When I give suggestions for what a client can do to impact the situation, I am not saying that the client is to blame for the situation.  I’m just saying that they have the power to make things different if they are willing to do some work.  It doesn’t even matter if the other person is willing to do anything different.  One determined person, willing to work, can make changes that result in a better situation for everyone.  One person cannot single-handedly solve every problem on the planet, but it’s a myth to think that all the involved parties must participate in counseling for things to get better.  Sometimes one person in a family can start the ball rolling, initiate positive changes, and begin a chain reaction that results in each of the family members making positive changes, even if none of the other people ever come in to counseling.

Sometimes the whole family will come in, but it’s obvious that only one or two of them are interested in trying anything new and that the other family members don’t think they’re responsible for the problems at all.  That’s okay.  Not everyone has to be cooperative.  It’s just essential that someone be cooperative and get the process started.  As counselors, we try to look for the most well-adjusted person in the family who is the most motivated to make things better, and give them the most work to do right off the bat because it’s likely that they’ll do it.  Sometimes that person is a 5 year-old child.  Yes, sometimes the most cooperative and healthy member of the family can barely ride a bicycle.  That’s okay.  If someone gets working and changes start happening, eventually, everyone who is interested in having a better life together will get involved.  Ultimately, those who have absolutely no interest in helping things get any better will become rather obvious and then you can decide what needs to be done with the members who simply don’t want to improve the situation.

So, if you begin counseling and the counselor has a ton of work for you to do, don’t take it as an insult, like you’re the one who’s doing everything wrong.  Take it as a compliment that the counselor has the most faith in you to make things better.

Marlo Archer, Ph.D.
Down to Earth Enterprises
1250 E. Baseline Rd., Suite 102
Tempe, AZ 85283
(480) 705-5007