Rapport in Interviews

One of the greatest and most misunderstood aspects of NLP (neuro linguistic programming) is its use in establishing rapport. Encarta defines rapport as: an emotional bond or friendly relationship between people based on mutual liking, trust, and a sense that they understand and share each other’s concerns.

Seems this would be a great tool to learn for interviewing, don’t you agree? Most people know about NLP and rapport in the form of “mirror and match” what the other person does. This is highly effective and, unless you do it with subtlety, chances are very high the other person will know what you are doing.

The name of the game in NLP and rapport is subtle. Do not be overt. To mirror the other simply position yourself in such a way that they would look if they were looking into a mirror. If you are both sitting at a table, face to face and the interviewer has her left hand resting on the table, you rest your right hand on the table. If her left leg is crossed over her right, you cross your right over your left. The idea is to “mirror” her body position. Matching simply means that you would match her right and left movements with your own.

Now the key here again is subtlety. If you make every move she makes and she catches on… you may as well go home. my advise is to mirror or match major groups such as head tilt, set of the shoulders, set of the spine, etc. wait for a few seconds before you move to follow her movement, she may just be shifting position; so be sure she settles in before you mirror and match her.

I think you can see how NLP is misunderstood here. People learn a little bit and do not exercise their knowledge smoothly; and, as a result, it comes across as manipulative, or in the worst case - foolish.

Another area of NLP rapport has to do with the words the other person uses. Occasionally a person from the south will try to match the tempo and pace of a person from New York, and they sound ridiculous! If you are going to match the other person’s pace, or pitch, or tempo; then do it within the limits of being reasonable for you. This may sound like the verbal aspect of subtle. If you read it that way – you are right.

In language, you can also match the size of the group of words that the interviewer strings together. Example:
haveyouevermetapersonwhobasicallyrunsalltheirwordstogetherina
seeminglyendlesssentencethatissolongyouwonderiftheyeverbreathe?

And – other people – who speak in short – concise – almost mechanical – nearly stiletto – sound bites –

If you can match that style, again to the level that sounds reasonable for you, it will go a long way to establishing rapport.

One more tip. Match their breathing. Easily done. When they are talking – you breathe out. we all talk on our exhale… so you be sure to exhale while they are talking. Then, at the end of their sentence, you both breathe in. You have to! This gives you the added benefit of at least appearing to be interested in what they are saying and not jumping in with you thoughts at the very moment they stop talking.
Hopefully you are interested… if not, NLP won’t really help you.

You will know you have rapport when the conversation begins to feel and sound relaxed. You may notice the other person shift their body to follow you when you move. Now, at the unconscious level, the like you and are beginning to trust you because you are, after all – like them!

Practice one aspect at a time until it is automatic. Then layer on the others. The great thing about practicing rapport is you can do it anywhere there are people. Have fun with it and let me know what happens. Just remember to be subtle!