Debunking Myths - Some Things Simply Cannot Be Forgiven

Myth:  In my line of work, I often hear of outrageous horrors people  perpetrate upon others.  Adults physically or sexually abuse children, husbands and wives are unfaithful or they hide family money from each other, young adults talk unsuspecting teens into illegal or immoral acts to gain their favor, and the list goes on and on.  Routinely, there seems to be absolutely no reason to forgive the offender and no motivation, on the part of the injured party, to even remotely consider forgiveness.  It seems that some things simply cannot be forgiven.

Fact:  The fact of the matter is that all things, no matter how heinous, can be forgiven.  Now, you might not want to - or be ready to - or think that you should have to - but that’s besides the point.  It doesn’t matter what it is, it CAN be forgiven.

I teach clients about two types of forgiveness, one that I call, “Saintly” forgiveness, and the other that I call, “Traditional” forgiveness.

I describe “Traditional” forgiveness as that which we bestow upon someone who 1) recognizes their error, 2) feels remorse about the act, 3) apologizes, 4) seeks to remedy the situation, if possible, and 5) communicates a plan to avoid re-offending.  This is by far the easier of the two.  Perhaps a spouse who called names in a drunken rage sobers up, feels badly, apologizes, treats their partner to a lavish dinner, and promises not to ever use such harsh language again.  That offender is pretty much guaranteed to be forgiven.

Consider that same scenario, without the promise not to re-offend.  Forgiveness is probably still extended, but it’s a little more of a stretch.  Take away the dinner, too and it gets a little harder.  Take away the apology as well and spontaneous forgiveness becomes quite unlikely, yet if the partner can see, by the look on the face, that there is remorse and recognition of error, they may still forgive.  If only recognition of the error is offered, forgiveness is much less likely, but may still occur.  Take away recognition of the error, and suddenly, “Saintly” forgiveness is required.

“Saintly” forgiveness is the type that is required when the evil-doer has absolutely no recognition that they have done harm, or doesn’t consider their actions to be in error.  The offender may even be proud of his misbehavior.  This offender feels no remorse, offers no apology, and does nothing to remedy the situation.  In fact, most often, there will be denial that the event even happened in the first place.  Finally, there is no plan to avoid repeating the behavior and, in fact, the perpetrator has almost certainly gone on to hurt others in the same way.

Most victimized people see their offenders as falling into the category of people who would require the “Saintly” forgiveness because it often appears that there is no recognition of error and no remorse and certainly no acts or words of retribution.  However… if we look more closely at the situation, from the standpoint of the offender, often there are tons of clues that point to the fact that the perpetrator did, most definitely, know their actions were wrong, regret them, and that efforts (although probably unsuccessful) were made to stop the behavior from recurring.

When we see a perpetrator drink themselves into a stupor night after night, it’s a pretty good bet that it’s to avoid having to think about what they did.  Efforts to throw a victim out of the house, although seemingly inhospitable, may be an awkward attempt to remove the opportunity to re-offend.  Punching holes in walls, screaming and yelling, and throwing dishes can be a sign of a tortured soul who is incredibly and painfully aware of exactly how much his or her actions have injured, and continue to injure, those around them.

Once we put ourselves truly into the shoes of the other individual, we often see a way to use the more traditional form of forgiveness, and in the few, very rare cases, where absolutely no redeeming qualities can be noted in the perpetrator, sympathy can often be extended for such a pathetic creature who has no awareness of others.  Even the most hideous, monstrous people can inspire “Saintly” forgiveness from those that they have harmed if the injured are coached to see them as the pitiful creatures they truly are.

Marlo Archer, Ph.D.
Down to Earth Enterprises
1250 E. Baseline Rd., Suite 102
Tempe, AZ 85283
(480) 705-5007