Lessons from a networking group

An interesting thing happened recently that brings forth so many opportunities for examination, growth, introspection, and, I must add, some good-old common sense.

As a self-employed professional, I network. I network a lot. And, like you, at networking groups I meet people who become clients and I connect people who could help each other. I belong to several groups in the Valley along with APRO.

I had a fascinating experience (actually two experiences) with a group recently that provides incredible material for this article. The big-picture question is, how do you react when you are challenged (read threatened) by someone in your same or similar field of expertise?

Here’s the situation. I applied for a group to which another person in my profession had also applied. I was accepted, the other was not. Now, just to make it more interesting; the other individual has more experience, training, and certification than me. Yet I was accepted to the group, the other was not. The other person was informed about the membership committee’s decision. Knowing the people involved, I am confident the conversation was handled with courtesy and professionalism. The bottom line is, I simply interviewed better and membership thought I would bring more energy (or something) to the group.

I was in, the other person was out. Simple. One opening, two applicants, someone has to get in and someone is left out. It seems to me this type of thing happens all the time in school, business, clubs, and in life. Sometimes people perceive it as not fair or unjust. Often times the simple reality is that the group (the party who is responsible for accepting or rejecting) simply makes a decision on their terms. And their terms may not necessarily be your terms. It happens all the time. Someone is in. Someone is out. Someone just interviewed better, sang his or her song with more emotion, wore the right color suit, complimented the decision maker with more sincerity… whatever. One is in and one is out. I think you get it so far.

Now, here is the second part of the tale. Have you ever had an experience when you could feel – yes, I mean literally feel another person’s response from across the room? It may have been great; spontaneous laughs from a child, an approving nod from your boss, a look of passion or deep love from your soul mate. Or it may have been not so good; the disapproving glare of your father-in-law, the “glance” from your spouse, or the stone-cold response from the CFO when you are presenting to the Board. You have, haven’t you? When you feel the shift, it is unmistakable and impossible to miss.

At this networking meeting (you know, the one to which I had been accepted) I presented information on an upcoming event I have (shameless self-promotion: www.januscenter.com). Another individual, different from the above, who is already a member of this group is the subject of this second part. When I announced my special event, I felt a vacuum appear fifteen feet away. It was as if a black hole appeared out of nowhere. The smiling face had turned to something… I don’t know what, but it was not smiling. To me it looked like anger mixed with indignation and wrapped in fear. But that’s just a guess. “How dare you do something that sounds like something I do…” The reality is that my event is not related to this person’s business. If anything, it is a compliment to this person’s business. I know this because we talked about it on the same day as the meeting. Yet it was perceived as a threat. How very interesting. I love people, don’t you?

NLP (neuro linguistic programming) is built on a series of presuppositions. Think of these as the building blocks of the work; the basic ground rules that we all agree define the occurrences and actions of the client and the practitioner. One of my all-time favorites is, ‘the meaning of communication is the response you get.” Simply put, if you and I were sitting together having a conversation and I said something to you and you immediately got upset, the meaning of my communication to you is ‘”you are upset”. I say it, you respond, I evaluate the response I get from you as the meaning those words had to you. What I intended is not the point, your response is the meaning to you. Your response is based on your perception, expectations, filters, mood, emotional state, physical health, etc.

Now it gets interesting. If an entire room finds an announcement intriguing and one person expresses fear; chances are good that person is filtering the information in a curiously unique way. To them it most likely means “there is something to be afraid of here…”

How do you respond? If something does not go quite the way you expected, do you get angry? Do you threaten someone? Do you retreat into “poor me… nothing ever works my way…”?

I am not suggesting I know what was going on with this person in the group. I only know I could feel the shift from across the room. The president of the group saw it too, from even further away.

The person who was not accepted (remember- from the first part) had an interesting response as well. The president received an email from this individual that was (according to the president) defaming me, the group, and the nature of the interview process. Once again, why the aggression? Why the fear? If you (the writer of the email) are better at our profession than I am, why did you not get the nod? And more importantly, if your credentials are superior and your experience deeper, how can you be threatened by me?

So here’s the thought for the day. If you find yourself reacting to something this way, stop yourself as quickly as possible and ask:

• How do I do this? (yes, “how” not “why”)
• What is going with me that I should choose to react so strongly at this moment?
• What does this other person have that I am missing in myself… that I am perhaps jealous or envious of? (OK, this one is a little metaphysical… and if you are honest with yourself, you may get some really big insights)
• What can I learn from this and how can I grow so that the next time this happens (and there will be a next time) I will choose to respond in a positive way instead of reacting from fear, anger, or whatever the dominant emotion was.

After you’ve spent a few minutes on this, close your eyes and imagine a similar situation taking place in the future. Drop into the scene, look through your own eyes and see what you’ll see, hear what you’ll hear, and feel the feelings that are different from the way you used to do it.  Do this several times. Then, congratulate yourself for the lessons learned and the growth you just experienced.

We all have the opportunity to grow, learn, and expand our awareness daily, if we are only open to the lessons. I got the lesson from this day quickly, easily, and with joy. Partially it is, too bad for those two people because they are both operating from fear. If the member was unshakably confident and poised in their profession; the response would have been neutral, not negative. We could have had a conversation about it. To the president’s credit, I was offered the choice to have a discussion with this person and I chose not too. If I have to work that hard to join a group, it simply isn’t the one for me. I will not compromise my practice or limit my business for a group, regardless how strong it seems to be. Easy decision.

As for the peer that I “out interviewed”, same thing goes. As a general rule, a response of anger or aggression is a response of fear. I am not going to analyze this any more than that. You can draw your own conclusions. I do know that if this person was really confident and comfortable, they would quickly come to the observations that we live in the fifth largest city in the US, in one of the fastest growing counties, with some of the highest per capita income, and more networking events in a week than most cities have in a month. Find another group. Look for one that works easily with you that you don’t have to fight for. Go with the flow as opposed to sparring and negotiating your way in. And if another person beats you to it, observe, examine, learn, grow, adjust, and be thankful for the opportunity for reflection and self-improvement.

As for me, I have already identified another group to join and the timing works out better too. And, to help turn the lemon to lemonade (sorry for the trite cliché…), I think I got two referrals from the group I am not joining. All in all, what a fantastic experience!