Waving a Red Flag

In our everyday lives, we frequently encounter words, phrases, or occurrences that we call, “red flags.”  These red flags are things that don’t quite sound right or don’t quite look right or aren’t quite believable.  They give us pause and we note them.

Here are a few examples – Your teenage son comes home from school one day, laughing and smiling, and he tells you that you look beautiful.  Nothing really wrong with that, and you do appreciate it, but something about it just doesn’t seem quite normal.  It’s a little jarring and you wonder what might be going on.

Your husband tells you, three times in one morning, that he’s going to get the car’s oil changed after work.  Again, not that you mind having the oil changed and you do appreciate him telling you, but something about him telling you three times just seems weird.  It makes you wonder if there’s more to the story.

You hear a loud noise in the other room, then the sound of your pets rapidly scurrying around.  However, when you come into the room, they’re lounging about as if they’ve been right where they are, for hours.  Of course, your pets frequently lounge about, but not when there’s just been a loud noise.  You know something happened, but you’re just not sure what.

The origin of the “red flag” goes back to the days of pirates and privateers.  Although we’re pretty familiar with the pirate’s “Jolly Roger,” the black flag with the skull and crossbones, the “red flag” also got it’s start during that era.  A red flag was used by those who weren’t quite pirates, but they didn’t want to be bothered and they didn’t want to be resisted.  Ships that would fly the red flag were giving other ships the message, “Don’t mess with us or you’ll be sorry.”

Oddly enough, psychological red flags are still working that way.  People either intentionally or unintentionally fly red flags when they don’t want to be questioned or bothered or engaged on some topic.

In the first example, the teen is likely flying his red flag unintentionally.  He is probably totally obsessed with a pretty girl who smiled at him and he wants absolutely nothing to destroy the moment, so he instinctively makes sure to start no quarrel with his mother by calling her beautiful.  That is, he’s telling mama, “In no way are you to bother or upset me right now.”

In the next example, husband is probably up to something.  It may be favorable, like planning a surprise party or picking up a special dinner, or it may be unwelcome, like stopping after work to have drinks with a female coworker or playing a few hands of poker at a local casino, but in either case, he’s looking to not be questioned about why he’s late.  He’s saying, “Don’t ask me any questions, everything is fine.”

When you encounter these red flags in your life, do not instantly assume that they mean something bad.  They could, but they could mean something good.  However, they do mean something and it’s very important not to just ignore them and pretend you didn’t see them.  Keep your eyes wide open and watch for a second red flag or more clues as to what might be going on.  From a safe distance, gather more information.  Whatever you do, don’t just pretend that they aren’t there and go blindly on with your life.  The red flags are there for a reason and if you don’t discover the reason, you may be very sorry later.

Marlo Archer, Ph.D.
Down to Earth Enterprises
1250 E. Baseline Rd., Suite 102
Tempe, AZ 85283
(480) 705-5007