Taking Responsibility - Blaming Fluffy Hurts Everyone

Imagine a nice, relaxing evening in the family room - Mom, Dad, Kayla, Taylor, Fluffy, and Mittens, all lying around, watching a movie, when suddenly, a foul odor is detected.

Oh my gosh, someone farted!  Taylor yells out, “Kayla farted!” and she loudly protests, “I did not!”  Dad tells Taylor to be quiet, but Taylor persists, “Mom, Kayla farted and it stinks!”  Mom shushes him, too, encouraging him to watch the movie.  Kayla starts crying, “Mom, it wasn’t me.  I didn’t do it!”

To silence Kayla, mom offers this comfort, “I know, Kayla, just watch the movie.”  Quietly, Taylor calls Kayla a “fartbutt.”  Kayla screams out, “Mom, Taylor called me a fartbutt!”  Dad gets mad and yells, “Both of you - shut up and watch the movie or I’m sending you to your rooms!”

But Taylor simply cannot let it go and holds his nose and makes a disgusted face in Kayla’s direction.  Kayla says nothing, but gestures wildly for mom to look at the awful face he’s making at her.

Finally, mom says, “Taylor, it was the dog that farted, leave Kayla alone,” to which he replies, “Was not, it was Kayla!”  Mom insists, “It was Fluffy and I don’t want to hear another word about it or you’re going to bed and you’ll miss the rest of the movie.”  Taylor concedes, and the argument is over.

Now, what just happened?

First of all, someone didn’t take responsibility for his or her behavior.  Whoever farted should have just said, “Excuse me,” when the SBD (Silent, But Deadly) was emitted.

In the scenario above, it is fairly likely that Kayla was the culprit.  However, it is probably nearly as likely that Taylor himself was the culprit and that all his protesting was merely an effort to lay the blame on someone else.  Hence, his acquiescence when Mom finally, and in no uncertain terms, laid the blame squarely on Fluffy.

However, the possibility exists that the unknown tooter was Mom or Dad and that neither one was willing to step up and take responsibility because they felt so embarrassed that their attempt to be sneaky had not gone undetected.  Once they let out the gas and did not say “Excuse me,” the deed was done, they had become a flatulent fiend, but they thought they had gotten away with it.  Later, when their crime was detected, they maintained their silence to cover up the fact that they tried to get away with it in the first place.

So, first and foremost, someone forgot their manners and neglected to just say, “Excuse me.”

Next, someone lied.  If Taylor was the farter, Taylor committed an outright lie by trying to pin it on Kayla.  If the stinker was Kayla, she outright lied by denying it when she was accused.  However, if the stealth bomber was Mom or Dad, they lied by omission by failing to clear up the issue while Taylor was on this fart-blaming rampage.  Additionally, if the villain was Mom, she committed a second lie when she blamed it on Fluffy.

So, the second thing that happened was that someone lied.

Third, the liar ultimately got away with his/her lie.  Poor Fluffy took the blame for whoever flooded the room with methane.

Next, everyone got a lesson in how NOT to take responsibility for your actions.  If the guilty party was Taylor, he learned that if you just make a big enough ruckus about something you did, you can eventually point the blame away from yourself.  If it was Kayla, she learned that you can cry to get your way out of something you did.  If it was Dad, he learned that if you just threaten people sternly, they will stop trying to make you take responsibility for your actions, and if it was Mom, she learned that if you can’t get one of your kids to take the blame for your mistakes, it’s okay to blame some other innocent party.

Wow!  Could you imagine that so many bad lessons were involved in that one exchange?

Wait – it gets worse.  Since only the farter knows the real truth, everyone else got the lesson that the guilty can ultimately get away with their crimes if they’re just tricky enough - Maybe they can just keep quiet and hope no one notices, maybe they can blame someone else, maybe they can lie or deny the truth if accused, or even threaten people who are trying to hold them accountable.  Or, if all else fails, they can blame the dog.

What horrible lessons to teach the whole family!

So, what’s the moral of this whole story?  When things like this happen in your family, don’t underestimate the destructive power of the lessons that are learned in a seemingly simple exchange.

Stop the movie.  Just pause it.

As parents, if you are the offender, model for your children how to take responsibility.  Say it was you who released the cloud of stench.  Let the kids laugh and giggle and make goofy comments.  Let them get it all out of their system, then add that you should have said, “Excuse me” to begin with.

If you are certain it wasn’t you or your spouse, send the kids to their rooms ‘till someone is ready to say “Excuse me.”  (While the kids are gone, though, be sure to check with your spouse to make sure it wasn’t them.)

Finally, when you get an “Excuse me,” from somebody, then go on with the movie.

Teaching the family how to take responsibility for their behavior is so much more important than any movie could ever be!

Marlo Archer, Ph.D.
Down to Earth Enterprises
1250 E. Baseline Rd., Suite 102
Tempe, AZ 85283
(480) 705-5007