A New Way of Communicating

I wonder how she does that?

Sometimes we get into conversations that lead to arguments, even though neither person really wants to fight. I really believe that most people do not want to argue. Now, on the surface it may not seem that way. But underneath all the positioning and attention seeking; I just chose to believe that we all want to communicate with less grief  and with more clarity and understanding. Yes, even your thirteen-year-old wants this deep down. Like I said, this is what I choose to believe.

Belief systems are a wonderful thing because they will affect how you interpret the world around you. Since they influence what you see, hear, and feel; they will ultimately affect how you choose to respond to stimuli.

Even that is a belief system isn’t it? Whether it is right or wrong, true or false; I chose to believe it because it gives me the most control and flexibility in my world. I am not asking you to “buy into” my belief system, just to consider it as an alternate idea, as an experiment to try. If you like the results modify these thoughts and make them your own. After all, this is an opinion column so all I can offer is an opinion. And my opinion is governed to a degree by my training in NLP and hypnotherapy, along with (just like you) life’s experiences.

So this column is dedicated to one main idea: about communicating a new way. As usual, the ideas for this column germinated in my practice over the last couple of weeks. By the way, isn’t it interesting that it is called a “practice?” All health care practitioners are practicing the art and science of their modality. Even the word practitioner has practice as its root. “Practitioner” from Old French practicien, from practiser, to practice. (dictionary.com)

Let’s talk about communicating. Just recently, a client told me about her 20-year-old daughter. Mom thinks her daughter should see me because of her “argumentative nature.” I certainly don’t like to turn away business; and I also will not take someone’s time and money if I think there is a simpler solution. So we chatted for a while about her daughter.

I am not a family counselor and I don’t pretend to be. My training is in NLP, hypnotherapy and Time Line Therapy™. I help people to shift their perception and improve their performance through the thoughtful application of specific techniques. So maybe, I thought, I could help these two people make a shift and ease their life somehow. I continued to listen. What I found out was that mom made a practice (unconscious) of pointing out the things that her daughter did wrong, or ineffectively, or irrationally. She did this in an attempt to, “point out to her there is a better way…”

As you might guess, this did not go over too well with her daughter. Tensions escalate and tempers fly and soon they are yelling at each other.

As an NLP practitioner, I listen for how clients handle things in their daily lives. Often times there are clearly easier, less stressful ways. But simply telling someone to do things differently because you think it is better, usually doesn’t work. So, I suggested mom use the thought process I use when listening to clients. And that process is simple.

Take a breath and say to yourself, “Huh, I wonder how she does that.”

“HOW she does that.” Not WHY does she does it. Not WHAT is she thinking when she does that but, HOW does she do that? Can’t you hear your parent’s voice, “WHAT were you thinking?” That’s a pleasant memory, isn’t it? Chances are good, if you can access a memory like that now, you feel as if you are, “dumb, stupid, etc.” Whatever the feeling, it probably is not positive and motivating.

“HOW does he do that?” is a process question. By asking yourself this question you are putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. You change your way of thinking to wondering, “what is the process of how he does that particular action.” Most likely, you have never thought about things this way before. In thinking about it in a new way, you can find new answers. Albert Einstein said, “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” Asking “how” creates new thinking.

Asking “how” changes things. I promise. “How” questions the process the other person uses, it implies movement and change. “What” is stagnant, it does not move. “What” is singular. “What are you thinking now?” has more than one answer, does it not? People’s thoughts are never that simple. “Why” implies judgment, usually on your part. You may as well ask, “Why can’t everyone just be like me?” Well, if everyone were, they’d be asking the same question too and nothing would ever happen!

“Huh, I wonder how he does that” will force you to think about the whole person and all the things happening below the surface to cause that person to choose that particular action.

“Huh, I wonder how she does that” will also force you to stop, slow down your knee-jerk response and break the pattern that you both have been feeding for so long. It requires you to think differently, to formulate a new response based on a new perspective of the event and the person.

This question does not require an answer. You may get some insight when you begin to get into their thought process, or you may not. The answer is not the important consideration here, interrupting the pattern is. By asking yourself, “Huh, I wonder how she does that,” you force a new level of thinking about your interaction. And that new level of thinking will create new responses.

Try it. Run the cycle several times and see what happens. You may be pleasantly surprised at how much more communication happens as a result of simply wondering, “How does he do that?”

George Gillas provides public and corporate workshops and seminars across the Valley while maintaining an active private hypnotherapy and NLP practice in Scottsdale.  He also teaches business, public speaking, and hypnotherapy classes at SWIHA.