Anger Management

As a daily teacher of anger management, I have a little system I teach people.  The abbreviation is SGTPA and can be remembered with by using the following acronym:

Some Good Tips for People’s Anger

S – Stop! – This means stop doing everything you’re doing.  Stop talking, stop driving your car, stop trying to convince the other person you’re right, stop swearing, stop shaking your fist at the other person, stop punching a hole in the wall, stop writing that angry letter, just stop.  When you first realize that you are infuriated, enraged, angry, just stop everything you’re doing, as quickly as you can.

G – Get Away! – As soon as you can, get away from the person at whom you’re angry  This is not a running away phase, but a temporary break, the purpose of which is to help you clear your head.  If you are arguing with someone in a moving car, pull over and step out for a moment, take a brief walk.  If you find yourself enraged at your boss, take a moment to go back to your office, or even a bathroom stall, and sit quietly, alone, for a few moments.

T – Think! – When you are finally quiet and alone, your angry energy will begin to subside and you can finally think.  While you are in the midst of the fracas, you will not be able to think clearly.  In your private, quiet place, the question to ask yourself is: What did I do to put myself in this ridiculous position?  Yes, that’s right, you should focus on yourself, on what you did to contribute to the problem.  Of course, you will want to think, instead, of what the other person did that was wrong, but that won’t help you.  Focus instead on what you did that got you into that situation.  It’s not accepting or excusing anything the other person did, it’s just not focusing on that.  When you have finally discovered what personal flaw or dysfunctional behavior of yours got you into the anger-provoking situation in the first place, you’re ready to move to the next step.

P – Plan! – Now you  must develop a plan to help you prevent yourself from getting into one of those situations again.  It’s only when you know what part of it is your fault that you can begin to be powerful enough to start avoiding future occurrences.  You may even be able to think of a plan for how to get out of the current one you’re in.  Generally, getting out of your current conflict involves an apology.  You will need to determine who you have wronged and apologize to them.  Remember, most hurts between people are completely unintentional, so you’re often just apologizing for something you did accidentally, but it’s still very important to apologize for those accidents.

A – Act! – Go find the target of your apology.  See if they are calmed down enough to receive your apology.  If they will at least let you speak to them, offer your apology and a slight pause, but do not sit there and wait, demanding they apologize in kind.  Yours is the only apology you have control over.  Or, if you’ve discovered that the problem was some behavioral deficit of yours, begin your plan to remedy that deficiency.  If you  must get yourself out of a ridiculous situation, begin taking the steps to do so.  If you must begin difficult work to repair an injured relationship, start working.

Following this anger management plan, you will discover the following:

1) It is almost always your fault – (Darn, I hate when it’s me!)

2) Apologies breed – one provokes another which provokes another…

3) Giving an apology is not a sign of weakness.

4) If you don’t figure out how you got there, you will get there again and again…

5) You will resolve more conflicts more quickly and your relationships will improve.

6) The people in your life will trust and depend on you more.

7) Conflicts that are resolved, go away.  Those that aren’t, linger.

Marlo Archer, Ph.D.
Down to Earth Enterprises
1250 E. Baseline Rd., Suite 102
Tempe, AZ 85283
(480) 705-5007